What Exactly Is A Nesting Partner?
Human relationships are complicated, especially when it comes to sex and love. Generally, people are expected to only have one partner — a monogamous relationship. However, things aren't always this simple, and very rarely are love and sex purely black and white. In fact, some look for fulfillment in "multiple partners" because their needs can't be met by one person (via Psychology Today), and there's nothing wrong with this as long as everyone involved is treated with honesty, openness, and respect. This is called polyamory.
Embracing polyamory (also known as consensual nonmonogamy) involves individuals cultivating "multiple intimate relationships" that can be characterized by a sexual or purely romantic connection, per Psychology Today. Of course, consent is the most important aspect here. Everyone needs to know that they're in a polyamorous relationship. What's more, polyamory breaks free from gender restrictions, affording individuals to foster multiple partnerships without limitations based on gender identity.
However, navigating the nuances of these relationships can be challenging. On this, psychosexual and poly-friendly relationship therapist Ashley Macklin told Sex Life Therapy that "the worries about intimate encounter imbalances are common in poly relationships, despite our utopian hopes and proclamations." Consequently, confusion may arise as to who gets connected to whom, especially when two polyamorous partners live together. Enter the term "nesting partner."
Nesting partners, defined
Unlike relationships that follow the traditional escalator of meeting, falling in love, moving in together, marrying, and potentially raising a family, polyamorous relationships don't adhere to this trajectory. Instead, they form multiple relationships, which can be purely sexual or purely romantic and range from short-term to long-term (and even intermittent).
While there are different polyamorous relationship structures, polyamorous individuals may choose to live together with one of their partners. This person becomes the nesting partner with whom they form a home (nest). While polyamorous individuals cohabitating isn't new, the term "nesting partner" is. "It's really pretty new. The term 'nesting' assumes you live together – in the same nest," Kathy Labriola, a California-based counselor specializing in non-traditional relationships, told Mic.
While nesting partners live inside the nest, there are other partners in the polyamorous relationship who live outside the nest. These individuals are aptly dubbed "satellite" partners. "The term refers to the couple as the center of the relationship universe and the outside relationships as satellites revolving around that relationship — similar to how the planets revolve around the sun," Labriola added.
Nesting partner vs. primary partner
Some folks have used the terms "nesting partner" and "primary partner" interchangeably, but others don't like this. In fact, one Redditor specifically asked folks to "please stop using nesting partner when you really mean primary partner." But what is a primary partner, and is there really a difference between the two? A primary partner in all forms of relationships is the individual who sits in the highest position of our relationship hierarchy. They're the ones who people choose to build homes with, marry, and even grow families. This also rings true with nesting partners. So, why the shift in terms?
The term "nesting partner" arose because of polyamorous individuals' desire to transcend traditional rules and expectations, which restrict the freedom of expressing oneself outside of society's norm. This is known as relationship anarchy. As Sarah Sloane, a Chicago-based relationship anarchist and sex educator, told Mic, "Relationship anarchy relationship styles center the people involved as capable of making decisions in conjunction with others." Furthermore, instead of relying on hierarchical structures and rules, "the rules of relationships are co-constructed by the individuals who agree to enter," as Sabrina Romanoff, a New York City-based psychologist, told the outlet.
So, even though nesting partners are essentially primary partners, the former term is preferred because polyamorous partners deconstruct the hierarchy inherent in the latter term.
Can you have more than one nesting partner?
The Polydictionary describes the nesting partner as the "one that you share living space with. This may or may not include: owning property, sharing finances, or raising children. It is possible to have multiple nesting partners, and multiple nests (homes)." As Kathy Labriola told Mic, "It can happen that an additional partner will move in and become a nesting partner. There's nothing wrong with having two primary partners."
The inclusivity of nesting partners extends beyond typical gender norms, too, meaning that a gay polyamorous relationship could contain two male nesting partners and a bisexual or pansexual polyamorous relationship could contain two nesting partners of different genders. This flexibility underscores the multifaceted nature of polyamory, allowing for a broad spectrum of relationship structures and living arrangements based on mutual understanding and consent.
Aside from simply wanting to live with more than one other person, practical issues may warrant multiple nesting partners. For starters, it's easier to cope with financial strain and responsibility if the bills are divided among three (or more!) people. In the case of raising a child, it helps to have one nesting partner be the stay-at-home parent while the other two act as the breadwinners. In these cases, you have a polycule.
Navigating the relationship when your partner has a nesting partner
What happens when you have a polyamorous partner who has a nesting partner? Being in non-monogamous relationships could be frustrating if you have strong feelings for a partner who is emotionally vested (and nested) somewhere else. Relationship anarchy aside, it's still tough to deal with the feeling of being an "outsider," knowing that someone else might spend more time with your romantic interest and share a home and a life with them. Figuring out polyamory as a non-primary partner is challenging, especially because jealousy can set in.
However, there are simple things you can do to help you handle the situation and lessen any emotional stress that might be caused by it. The first thing to do is set clear and realistic expectations. Understanding the status of your relationship and accepting that your partner will have a different relationship with their nesting partner is paramount. You cannot expect your relationship to resemble the one with the nesting partner. By definition, the two of them will have financial issues to tackle, day-to-day nuances to deal with, and other routines and daily chores that bond couples.
It's also crucial to not fall into the trap of comparing yourself to their nesting partner. Remember that people enter polyamorous relationships because it's difficult for one person to fulfill their needs. So, if your date chooses to be with you, you are important and worthy, so comparisons are neither warranted nor fair.
How to strengthen your relationship when you are not the nesting partner
Even when you're not the nesting partner, there are ways you can strengthen your relationship and make sure that you don't feel threatened by the nesting partner. For example, you can establish your own routine and set a specific day of the week just for the two of you. Go out on special dates or do things that you know your partner loves to do but is unable to do with their nesting partner. This way, you're bringing unique qualities to your relationship and helping yourself stand out from — but equally important to — the nesting partner.
Moreover, you can maintain constant communication even when you don't physically meet and try to include your partner in your life by keeping them informed about what goes on in your day, thus strengthening your bond.
Try to make the best of your alone time. On this, New York-based relationship and family therapist Jane Greer, Ph.D., told Women's Health that "learning how to be alone" is crucial. If you can fill your time productively and enjoy yourself while meeting with friends or doing things that you love, you're less likely to ruminate about partner spending time with their nesting partner. As an added bonus, being independent may make you look extra alluring to those around you.
The importance of boundaries
When becoming a satellite partner, it's crucial to establish boundaries from the get-go. Decide what each party's boundaries are and ensure you're comfortable with the agreement before moving forward. If you're not clear with your needs, you may face disappointment down the line.
For example, you may be uncomfortable learning details about what your partner does with their nesting partner, so you can be honest about how privy you want to be on their intimate matters. Or, you may be uncomfortable going on joint dates with your partner and their nesting partner. Along the same lines, spending a day together with them at their nest might be a red line for you. This is perfectly fine as long as you're open and honest about your boundaries from the start.
Just as you want your partner to respect your boundaries, you will also need to respect theirs. For instance, they might want to limit communication while they're with their nesting partner, or they may want to keep that part of their life completely separate from you. Understandably, this might come across as dismissive of your relationship with them, but you'll need to come to terms with it if you want to make your relationship work. Or, if it's a red line for you, it might be time to step away from the relationship.
How to approach polyamory when already in a relationship
While liberating, introducing nonmonogamy into your life can be difficult. However, there are tips for introducing polyamory into your life and helping you handle your nesting (or primary) partner when you want to explore your options. According to Ships Psychology, it's important to "have realistic expectations" for how your partner will receive it. Since a long discussion will probably ensue, you'll need to be prepared (and well-informed) to provide answers to your partner about the concept of nesting and satellite partners — and how you envision the relationship to work.
A heartfelt conversation such as this requires the right setting. Ensure that you're both relaxed and in a quiet place with ample free time before beginning. Then, don't expect an immediate decision on your partner's behalf. You'll need to give them time to process this information, clear their thoughts, and — without any pressure — decide whether this is a new spin they're willing to give to your love life. If they decide to go ahead with it, great! If not, you'll need to respect their wishes and take it from there. Whatever you decide to do, remember that honesty and respect are key — in all forms of relationships, be it with your nesting or primary partner(s) or with your satellite ones.